God my Hope...

God has been teaching me so much about myself lately. What an enlightening and oftentimes painful process that can be! Ever since I was young, I've always joked that I am much more of a "realist" than an optimist. And as I've gotten older, that has only seemed to become more true. But the hardest question to answer about "realism" in life is- at what point should realism be superceded by the HOPE I have in the God of the impossible??

Recently, Tim and I began the process of "trying" to get pregnant. It started in July with the whole "we're not really trying, we're just not NOT trying" thing...ha! That was a joke! When all you've wanted for your entire life is to be a mommy and it's that close, there's no way to keep yourself from "trying!" ;) But the problem now is...we're still not pregnant. Most of the time, I feel fine about it. I remind myself of God's sovereignty and His perfect timing. I remember that it hasn't been too long and that it takes a lot of women up to a year to become pregnant. But sometimes, it is so difficult to wait with hope...

As I was thinking over and over this week about this new phase in our lives, I realized something. Sometimes I put such low expectations on my great God. I know that doesn't necessarily sound like a bad thing. It is, of course, important to NOT expect anything from God- I have no right to. He has already given me everything He has- His wealth, His Son, His life, His heart, His very essence in the Holy Spirit. There is nothing He has left to give to demonstrate His love for me. And yet I think sometimes I am so aware of this fact, that I forget to hope in His ability and His desire to bless me even more in the future.

For someone who is only 26, I have had alot of very difficult situations arise in my life- my mom's brain tumor and my dad's early and unexpected death being the two hardest. I firmly believe that God is wholly sovereign and that He has orchestrated every step I've taken; and I know that these situations have only caused me to realize the neverending love of my God in an even more personal way. I've learned what it is to choose to love God more than any other person or thing in my life...even when I don't emotionally feel that I do. And while these things have truly grown me, I think they've also made me struggle to hope in God. I focus too much on being willing to surrender my own desires (such as having a family) for those of God's heart, and so easily forget about the BLESSINGS He delights in giving me!!! I forget the heart of my precious God- Who enjoys blessing His kids. He delights in it...because it brings Him glory! I forget that part of faith is hoping in God's undeserved goodness to me.

And so- all of these words to say- even though it is difficult to wait for God's blessings in regards to Tim's and my future family, I can never be so much of a "realist" that I forget the truth of God. Waiting is an active process, not a passive one. I truly desire to put my full hope in my God....I choose to hope in Him. I can never lose when I'm in His precious hands. He is my Love, my Father, my Savior, my King, my Shepherd, my Strong Tower, my Deliverer, my Provider, and now...just recently...He is my Hope.